So...a few months ago, I posted this:
Isn't it strange how sometimes, one simple line or a two sentence conversation between a couple of characters on a tv show just hits you? It just makes you think of your own life at the time, or can even evoke events from the past. A sentence or two can bring back memories or feelings before you even know what is happening.
Someone asked me for an example, and I found it in Grey's Anatomy from March 19. One of the characters said: "you can make your way back from anything". I think it is a combination of a culmination of the show from that day, the show as a whole, the emotions of the characters at the moment, the music they are playing and what I am feeling that really makes a line like that touch my soul...and that one did.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
a little scary
Do you ever have vivid visions of something that could have happened? For example, today I was walking across a street when a car almost hit me. The car turned without even looking, and I had to quicken my pace....ok, run...to avoid the car. I don't know why, and I realize that it might make me a little bit crazy, but I had some kind of strange vision of what might have happened....
I saw the car hitting me, me flying up into the air, landing on the hood of the car - writhing in pain, knowing that both of my legs were broken below the knee. I envisioned the ambulance coming....hearing the sirens approaching the location. I could almost feel the pain in my legs, I saw them contorted into a terrible position and saw myself lying on the ground in the dirty, salty snow.
Then, I even saw myself lying in a hospital bed and my family and other people I care about visiting me.
Again, I know this seems odd, however I used to have vivid visions of myself getting in violent car crashes at least once a day. I haven't had that happen for a long time...so at least there is that.
I saw the car hitting me, me flying up into the air, landing on the hood of the car - writhing in pain, knowing that both of my legs were broken below the knee. I envisioned the ambulance coming....hearing the sirens approaching the location. I could almost feel the pain in my legs, I saw them contorted into a terrible position and saw myself lying on the ground in the dirty, salty snow.
Then, I even saw myself lying in a hospital bed and my family and other people I care about visiting me.
Again, I know this seems odd, however I used to have vivid visions of myself getting in violent car crashes at least once a day. I haven't had that happen for a long time...so at least there is that.
Monday, January 19, 2009
continually wondering
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about what the meaning of life is. Ok, yes I realize that sounds really corny and cliche, but I am serious. One thing that I think I have settled on is that everyone has a different meaning to their lives. For some, maybe the thing that gives them the best feeling about life, and therefore is the meaning of their life is having children. I see that more and more since my friends tend to be getting older and getting married. It is amazing how much they change (in a good way) when they have kids. Their whole lives are about the kids. That is amazing and wonderful to me. On the other hand, some people's lives are more about the person they are spending their life with; partner, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife...whomever it may be. This is also amazing. It seems to me that wherever I look I run into one of these two types.
There are not all that many people around here who are simply committed to their career and education and that is it. It is odd to run into people like that. I feel like it is becoming more and more clear that my life is really centered around my job and my education. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but your career won't be by your side for your entire life. It won't take care of you when you are sick. Your career won't sit next to you and watch bad Lifetime movies and cry at all of the cheesy parts with you...
I keep thinking that I really need to work more people into my life, people who are really meaningful and true friends. I look around and feel like that is something that I have really struggled to develop here, even though I have been here for almost 9 years. I don't really have many "go to" friends; people I would call when I am sad or mad or having a bad day. I certainly don't have that "one" person who I tell everything. It is kind of a bummer, but I wonder if it is just because I don't NEED that. Maybe the more you are by yourself, the more you get used to it and you start to get set in your ways and become used to consoling yourself when things go wrong.
Anyway, what this really all amounts to is that I think I would be happy if I were to simply be alone for the duration of my life, however I imagine that I would be even happier with someone special and maybe a family one day to share it all with.
There are not all that many people around here who are simply committed to their career and education and that is it. It is odd to run into people like that. I feel like it is becoming more and more clear that my life is really centered around my job and my education. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but your career won't be by your side for your entire life. It won't take care of you when you are sick. Your career won't sit next to you and watch bad Lifetime movies and cry at all of the cheesy parts with you...
I keep thinking that I really need to work more people into my life, people who are really meaningful and true friends. I look around and feel like that is something that I have really struggled to develop here, even though I have been here for almost 9 years. I don't really have many "go to" friends; people I would call when I am sad or mad or having a bad day. I certainly don't have that "one" person who I tell everything. It is kind of a bummer, but I wonder if it is just because I don't NEED that. Maybe the more you are by yourself, the more you get used to it and you start to get set in your ways and become used to consoling yourself when things go wrong.
Anyway, what this really all amounts to is that I think I would be happy if I were to simply be alone for the duration of my life, however I imagine that I would be even happier with someone special and maybe a family one day to share it all with.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
this morning
So when I went out to my car this morning, I found that one of my side mirrors had been hit and was smashed and broken. Sigh... So, my morning involved calling the police, getting a police report and now I am going to have to take my car in AGAIN to get fixed. I think 3 trips to repair shops is certainly enough in the span of a week.
Friday, January 16, 2009
thirty one...the first few weeks
Last night as I sat down to dinner with some friends, exasperated by the events of the last two weeks, I said, "I am just not sure how I feel about 31 yet, it hasn't started out all that well". One of my friends at the table gave me a good dose of 'stop your whining' perspective, and responded "Well, with the state of things these days, I am just thankful to have a job and to be able to be here with you all at this nice restaurant, and be able to afford this wonderful dinner". So true, so true. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hug her or smack her. (Ok, that was a joke!!! I would never actually smack someone, especially this girl - she is quite possibly the nicest person I know.)
Seriously though, I agree completely with my friend, however at the same time, I just wanted to vent about the happenings of the last few weeks. Good thing I have a blog, so I can do that!
So...the only question I am pondering right now is where should I begin.
Well, I guess I will start with my leave of absence. It was DENIED! I was called up to the Sheriff's office to speak with him and I could tell right away by his tone that the answer was no. Worse than the fact that he said no, was that he decided it would be a good time to take an interest in me as a person and talk to me about my goals and aspirations. What he didn't know, was that while I was trying to 'take it like a man' (er...woman in this case), I was actually crushed that I would not be allowed to take the leave of absence and would not be going to Spain and that everything was not going to work out how I had planned. The smile I had plastered on my face and the "oh, no problem, I understand" were simply a facade and I really wanted to run out of there, straight to my car so I could drive home where I could bury my face in a pillow and scream for a minute. Ok, maybe that is a little over dramatic, but I did feel like I was on the verge of tears and just wanted to get out of there! But no, he kept me in his office for a good 15 minutes asking me about why I was studying Spanish.
Well, after I realized that the leave of absence was not going to happen, I needed to figure out another plan so I could still get my Spanish degree finished before I go to law school. I decided to talk with my adviser at school. The long and short of it is that even if I leave my job, there is not really any way for me to go to Spain and still finish the degree before next fall. So, right now, I am in the midst of being really pushy with my adviser to get her to try to pull some strings for me to work something out. We will see.
Aside from all of that, there have been some major snafus at work which have had me working on work at home and trying to figure out ways to keep things the way I want them. That is still a work in progress, but I think that I am winning the battle.
To top it off, I have been having some issues with my car. My windshield cracked, so that had to be fixed. It was enough time out of my schedule to get it taken care of in the first place, but after picking it up from the shop, I noticed that there was some damage to my ceiling or 'headliner' as they call it in car world. I had to call the shop and schedule another appointment for them to look at the damage to see if they can repair it. Aside from that issue, my car has just decided not to start sometimes. There have been three days over the past couple of weeks that I have been late to work because my car just doesn't feel like starting. I took it in to get it checked today and $315.00 later, I found out that the reason for the problem was that the computer in my car was rejecting the car key because it didn't recognize it, thought that it was a foreign object and that my car was being stolen. Essentially it was a security system malfunction. Yikes!
Anyway, I am hoping next week will be the kick off of the good days of 31. I am ready to be done with all of these little snags...
Seriously though, I agree completely with my friend, however at the same time, I just wanted to vent about the happenings of the last few weeks. Good thing I have a blog, so I can do that!
So...the only question I am pondering right now is where should I begin.
Well, I guess I will start with my leave of absence. It was DENIED! I was called up to the Sheriff's office to speak with him and I could tell right away by his tone that the answer was no. Worse than the fact that he said no, was that he decided it would be a good time to take an interest in me as a person and talk to me about my goals and aspirations. What he didn't know, was that while I was trying to 'take it like a man' (er...woman in this case), I was actually crushed that I would not be allowed to take the leave of absence and would not be going to Spain and that everything was not going to work out how I had planned. The smile I had plastered on my face and the "oh, no problem, I understand" were simply a facade and I really wanted to run out of there, straight to my car so I could drive home where I could bury my face in a pillow and scream for a minute. Ok, maybe that is a little over dramatic, but I did feel like I was on the verge of tears and just wanted to get out of there! But no, he kept me in his office for a good 15 minutes asking me about why I was studying Spanish.
Well, after I realized that the leave of absence was not going to happen, I needed to figure out another plan so I could still get my Spanish degree finished before I go to law school. I decided to talk with my adviser at school. The long and short of it is that even if I leave my job, there is not really any way for me to go to Spain and still finish the degree before next fall. So, right now, I am in the midst of being really pushy with my adviser to get her to try to pull some strings for me to work something out. We will see.
Aside from all of that, there have been some major snafus at work which have had me working on work at home and trying to figure out ways to keep things the way I want them. That is still a work in progress, but I think that I am winning the battle.
To top it off, I have been having some issues with my car. My windshield cracked, so that had to be fixed. It was enough time out of my schedule to get it taken care of in the first place, but after picking it up from the shop, I noticed that there was some damage to my ceiling or 'headliner' as they call it in car world. I had to call the shop and schedule another appointment for them to look at the damage to see if they can repair it. Aside from that issue, my car has just decided not to start sometimes. There have been three days over the past couple of weeks that I have been late to work because my car just doesn't feel like starting. I took it in to get it checked today and $315.00 later, I found out that the reason for the problem was that the computer in my car was rejecting the car key because it didn't recognize it, thought that it was a foreign object and that my car was being stolen. Essentially it was a security system malfunction. Yikes!
Anyway, I am hoping next week will be the kick off of the good days of 31. I am ready to be done with all of these little snags...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Sometimes I start to think that maybe I would just be better off alone in the long run. I feel like the hunt for a person who will make you happy is nearly impossible. Maybe it is because I have been hurt in the past, or maybe it is because I am too picky, but I just find "the hunt" to be exhausting and generally disappointing. Maybe love has passed me by...sometimes that is what it feels like. I have certainly been in love, so I guess that I am really lucky in that sense. I mean, I know I am young and there are probably plenty of other single people out there, but is there really someone for me? After all, they (whoever "they" are) always say "there is someone for everyone" but I just don't know. I feel that all of my relationship efforts have been failures.
Sometimes, even after a wonderful weekend with friends and doing everything I would ever want to, I still feel like there is just something missing. Is it a person? Is it a significant other? Maybe, but somehow, I just can't believe that it is possible to meet someone who will really treat me like I deserve to be treated; someone who will understand me and love me for who I am and act silly with me and be passionate toward me. Could there really be a person like that? I honestly have started to lose hope, because people in general are selfish, impatient and wander around the world depressed with their heads down - never looking up to see that someone might be smiling at them, and therefore they will miss that person and continue on in their same rut of a life...
Sometimes, even after a wonderful weekend with friends and doing everything I would ever want to, I still feel like there is just something missing. Is it a person? Is it a significant other? Maybe, but somehow, I just can't believe that it is possible to meet someone who will really treat me like I deserve to be treated; someone who will understand me and love me for who I am and act silly with me and be passionate toward me. Could there really be a person like that? I honestly have started to lose hope, because people in general are selfish, impatient and wander around the world depressed with their heads down - never looking up to see that someone might be smiling at them, and therefore they will miss that person and continue on in their same rut of a life...
just waiting
I am still waiting to find out whether or not I will be granted my leave of absence for the fall to go study in Barcelona. I have not wanted anything so much for a long time. I can't stop thinking about it. I just wish I knew what the answer was so I could either start planning the trip, or just continue on working.
On Friday, I got an email from the Sheriff (my boss) with the subject of "leave". The body of the email said "Come see me when you get a chance." So, I went upstairs to his office. The Undersheriff was in his office and saw me come in. He said that he and the Sheriff were in a meeting, but he knew that the Sheriff had sent me an email. He then went and talked to the Sheriff for a minute and told him I was in the office. When he came back, he told me that I should probably just wait until Monday, and come back then. Don't they know that I am anxiously awaiting their answer?!?!
I hope that I get an answer tomorrow. I really really do. I don't want to keep sitting here waiting and wondering.
On Friday, I got an email from the Sheriff (my boss) with the subject of "leave". The body of the email said "Come see me when you get a chance." So, I went upstairs to his office. The Undersheriff was in his office and saw me come in. He said that he and the Sheriff were in a meeting, but he knew that the Sheriff had sent me an email. He then went and talked to the Sheriff for a minute and told him I was in the office. When he came back, he told me that I should probably just wait until Monday, and come back then. Don't they know that I am anxiously awaiting their answer?!?!
I hope that I get an answer tomorrow. I really really do. I don't want to keep sitting here waiting and wondering.
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